Dealing with the heavens.

I don't deal with my emotions well. I wear them on my sleeve. Everyone can tell something is wrong or i'm angry and people asks what's wrong. I can't explain it to them/ it's not their business. I sometimes feel all alone in the world and I feel like what's the point in my existence, but other times I feel like the most loved person in the entire world. You catch me on a bad day, and I can screw up a friendship. I've lost way too many people in my life due to stupid things I've said or done or because I don't like their other friends. I'm a very, very jealous person. I hate seeing other people trying to steal my friends away. I know they aren't, but I just think that. I'm one of those crazy people. It kinda stabs me in the heart when I hear people saying horrible things about me and then some people tell me they used to hate me and now they love me. In some cases, they just didn't get a chance to know me and already assumed we wouldn't get along. I get where they're coming from though. I'm a super judgmental person and I complain or have a comment about everything even though sometimes I just don't express it. I'm always one to try and be the teachers pet. I think my problem is that I want people to like me so much, and then yet I don't care what they think at all. People are mean. Words can cut through your flesh. I miss being able to say whatever I wanted to and people just thought I was cute and little. I miss being the little angel who could get away with whatever. I hate people watching me all the time. I'm falling for him more than life, and I'm always worried that he'll find someone better than me. I know I shouldn't be so worried, but I just can't help it. I worry about everything and I'm scared about the future. I don't want to lose the people I'm close to. I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I hope God is listening to this. I need him more than ever, just to keep me sane. I'm in need of a day of watching how is love grows. I've lost faith here lately and I want to recapture it. I haven't been to church in so long. I miss it. I want to go out in the world tomorrow as the start of a new week with a new attitude. I want to stop worrying, stop with jealously, stop with complaining and just live life the way He says to live it. I don't know if I'll hold on to that or not, but it's worth a shot. I love you Jesus. Thanks for loving us when we're lost with our faith. ♥


: And Ward, if you read this, you have my heart. I love you. ♥