The Three Cutest Girls in the Whole Wide World

Have you ever felt so alone in the world and like you're ugly and fat and atrocious?

Well, I've been in a bipolar mood lately and I've experienced like all of these emotions as a whole. I don't really have all that many close friends and I feel like all I do is talk about Ward and I'm so sorry. I do it without noticing. I try really hard to stop, but as people find out, I'm a chatterbox and will talk to you if you just listen. When Ward and I were going through that awkward stage, that was so freaking painful. I have never had a panic attack and he drove me into one because I was so worked up about losing our friendship. I told him yesterday that he is my best friend (other than Mel). He was the first guy to ever accept me and listen to everything I had to say. It kind of kills me how everyone is hating on him now that we aren't a couple. Granted, I did want to kill him, but I literally went "thank God" when he texted me the other night. I am not afraid to talk with him about anything, and by anything, I mean it. I figured out that all the time I texted him was when I was watching tv. I thank God so so so much to have him back in my world. I have missed him so much. I miss everything between us, but you can't turn back time. I love that boy, and I always will no matter where this roller coaster takes me.

On a grand note, yesterday was awesome. School went swell, I love the student teacher that subbed. She goes "Oh good Lord, that was a hot mess!" That was so funny! I love how I now have haters. I think it's hilarious that they think they can come in and tell a teacher who loves me, that I cheat. Mm, yeah, definitely how I got the answer wrong. After school, daddy brought me home and I got ready for Brooke's. Haley came and got me and we headed off to Hut of the Pizza and Lauren like made my night. She was hilarious because she went up and told them to turn the crap down on the radio. Funny stuff! Next is the talent show and I was so so so proud of Madi, Anna and Taylor. They are amazing and I love them all dearly. So, after that we head over to Bro's and we have a nice chat with her parents. Goodness, I love them! Her daddy like made my night. I just think he was so sweet and really funny. Her mom too. It feels good when people's parents like you and want their kid to hangout with you. I'm so lucky to have Mel, Brooke and Haley. I would be so lost without them. I thank God that they're my best friends and that they always will be. I love you guys (:

Excellente!!

All the emotions of us together are engrained into my heart. Yes, I went through bipolar Carrie stage, but you were always the only person I wanted to talk to. I know we're not an "us" anymore, but I miss you more than you will ever, ever imagine. It felt like my life was being sucked out of me that day and every day after that. You, Ward, are my best friend. I trust you with everything. Everything. More than I trust anyone. I've never had a reason to completely lose our friendship. I never wanted all this mess to happen. I never wanted to turn into an angry human and be way over emotional. I'm glad my peeps had my back though.

This week has been grand. I'm much happier and I love riding with Haley and Jamesbear. They make me laugh so much in only that short amount of time. I'd be so lost without so many people.

I can't wait until tomorrow night. I love my girls.

Ps: Everyday is a great day to be alive. No matter what happens or how life is going. I thought I lost my best friend, but turns out that God was watching over me. I just needed time to heal. My scab is always going to be there, but right now, I'm totally okay with that.

"When these broken hands are whole again.."

"And it's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close eyes, there's some hard times in the neighborhood, but why can't every day be just this good!!"

I've had a superb day.

I got to school and stopped by the band room to say hey to Señor Jimeson and to drop off my flute. I then ventured over to G building where I said, "THANK GOD" and talked to Wogatzke, Sarah, Lorena and Beiter. Hahahha, I expressed my hatred of substitutes. I told him I was going to shoot him with a nerf gun. Hehehe, I love Mr.Wogatzke. I then ventured up to F building and got help from Ms.Shore. Hahha, she told me not to fret then told me to go to homeroom. So, I went to G and made Lorena go with me up to C building. I put my crap in Mr.Seipel's room. I then walked across that lovely hallway to go visit the one and only, marvelously spectacular Mrs.Noel. I love that woman. She gave me some ridiculous question to go ask Ms.Shore. Hahhah, i'm so excited for this. I love first period. Then it was time for second period and Ms.Davis always has something muy divertida for us to do. Me encanta mi clase de español. Next is third period, the lovely band room. I think I busted out laughing in there for the first time in a month. I mean I like literally could not control my laughter. It was fantastic. Brooke and I are beasty piccolo players and Alli was like OH MY GOSH YOU TWO ARE LOUD. Hahahhahaaahah, win. Next, I venture back over to G building and drop my crap in Wogatzke's room and off to find Mrs.Noel. Hahahahha, oh Mrs.Noel. I love her. Next, I stop and chat with Mr.Bob the janitor and head into the lunch room and have good chats with errbody in there. Back to the reality of fourth period. I hate group presentations, but I feel like my group actually had people understanding what was going on and there wasn't any confusion. Win. Off to the band room, told Melly and Jimmy goodbye. The off to the front of the school. I LOVE Mrs.Pitts. She's always there for me. I just love her. I told her that I was having a fantastic day. I've spent the rest of the afternoon doing nothing important. I gave up on my math homework again and now i'm uploading Disney stuff to my iPod. Win.

-Like Bro says: Peace & Blessings (:

"eat and wear your big girl jeans"

This morning started out okay for a day without Tonya and Wogatzke. I love Taylor. We were sitting in the band room and she just comes over and sits on my lap and talks to me about how much she LOVES her job. Hahaha, such a fantastic conversation. I get to first period and I'm like completely lost with everything we're doing right now in class. Went to second period and got extra credit for participating. Yay! Me encanta español! I love the language and learning and being able to understand what people are saying without a dictionary. Now on to 3rd period, Brooke and I are beasts on piccolo. Jimeson is a character. I'm hating on the class less now. I just don't care anymore. I will tune you out if you aren't important. I'm so ready for marching season. Like, you have no clue how much I love marching band. So, on to lunch. I'm incredibly proud of TBundy. She's one of my best friends. I love her to the moon and back. Always. After that, time to start the dreaded world history. WOGATZKE WAS NOT THERE. I did not get to discuss last week's Glee episode. I need to discuss big lips and fat people. Hahaaha, I love those conversations. Instead of actually working, I got to listen to Mrs.Whaley tell us about the new math crap that they are going to bring to DHS. Fanastic. I left 4th period and went into the band room and told Ward I was going to shoot myself and he laughed because of why. I'ma punch him. Talked to Joe on his way to see Bon Jovi. So jealous. Then, just then, I had the most spectacular conversation with Taylor Carpenter. We're moving to Italy. That's where we're going to Eat Pray and Love. I was bursting with laughter. I love that girl. She entertains my life.

It needs to be May. Okay, ttfn (:

The higher the briar, the sweeter the flower (:

Today was definitely not what I expected.

I was rudely awakened from my slumber at 730 and was told to get up and get ready for church, so I did and so the day began. I got to church and got to see my Clairebear!! I was so excited to see all my girls this morning. Melly and I got to talk with lil Maggie about her tonsils and getting them out. She is PRECIOUS. Since I do not know the person in charge for VBS, I had to go chat with Ms. Christie about how Melanie and I want to volunteer again, but we just don't know her, and so Christie is gonna go talk to her for us. Win. I love that I have her, she's so helpful and I'd do anything in the world for her girls, the same goes for Kelly. I'd jump over small moving objects or something really scary for all of those girls. They are my sunshine. They are my smiles and love and laughter. They are part of me. I love them so so so much!! Next, we're off to the wonderful world of Walmart and I make Melanie go with me to the bathroom, win. She's so pretty. I love my bestfriend! I'm then off to Sunday dinner, my favorite meal of the week. My family says some of the absolute craziest things. They're the greatest people in the whole entire world. I love them all the way to their southern drawls and chicken eggs. I'd be so so so lost without them. After lunch, Mamaw and I go up to Mr.Armond's to take him lunch. Old people need to be loved. Everyone like hates on them for no reason. I'd cry if I was the only one around my age left in the world. A world where you have no one but your family would really suck. Next, we're off to my grandparents house and we go out for Daddy's birthday. Mommy made a dark chocolate pound cake. It was so so so yummy. I'm starting to get where I eat more. I'm done fighting this mess. I'll be fine without him. I'll learn to love again. I'll find a new best friend. I've got Jesus, for the win. I like literally cannot wait until VBS. It's my favorite time of the year with my favorite people to be with. I'm starting over tomorrow with a new attitude. I am smart, pretty(so people say), audacious, and proud of who I am. I am Carrie and there is no one like me. And I highly doubt the world needs two of me.

Joey says hi. :)

Really!? I mean, really!?!?

I hate February. Everything bad always happens then. Yes, I turned 16, but I've had the worst month of my life.

My emotions are haywire and my body can't handle it. I had a panic attack on Thursday and it was literally the worst experience of my life. I honestly miss Ward with every fiber in my body. People tell me he's not important or worth it or whatever, but I miss being accepted as a person. No one listens to me talk like he does and I just miss it completely. Maybe if I let things be for a while... I may get to actually have a legit conversation with him. I still have yet to tell him about my birthday and that depresses me. I know that dating isn't really an option anymore, but you have no idea what it's like to get so excited about talking and then being completely blown off. Because I'm all for talking and now it's like I annoy people when I speak. I hate that feeling. I miss my best friend. I miss being accepted. I miss my life. Every year February comes and screws up whatever good seems to be going on. I know that my girls are here for me through everything, but I feel like they can't say anything that will make me feel any better. They are wonderful, but it's just not the same.

I spent the beginning of the weekend with the Bundy's. They're so much fun. Rachael and I had to get a ride from Madi because we didn't know we were supposed to ride the shuttle. That was fun. I decided that it would be awful to have to drive that far to school every day. So glad I don't have to deal with that. I love Taylor and Rachael so much. We fell asleep on the couch and I have no clue how we slept like that. I got to see their new house and Rachael and I are beasts when it comes to futon moving. That was fun. I can't wait to get to spend the night over there. It's going to be so much fun!

I went to Bojangles today and dropped my chicken out of the drive thru window and Taylor laughed at me. I complimented her eye rolling. Hahahaha, I love that girl. She entertains my life.

I wish May would get here just a little bit faster.

(:

Chica blanca, white girl.

I threw up this morning. It was nasty.


Today was okay. I still poured my heart out to D again. Woo. I seriously have no clue what I would have done with out him lately. I've been so emotional. I've lost twenty pounds. I can barely eat. I can barely sleep. I've gotten a lot closer to Haley and Brooke and I've called Melanie like so much lately. I miss how simple my life was. I volunteered myself away and only saw my family and Melanie's for weeks outside of church. I just miss my old self. I decide to let someone into my life and it just turned into an complete disaster. I love him more than the world and I wish he was still mine. I feel so lost now. I feel so angry. I feel so sick. I miss my life. Jesus, please heal my heart. I'm begging you.

Lovely, You are lovely (:

A scab is not pretty, but it allows the healing to begin. -Darren Alexander

He's helped me so so so much over the past couple of days. I told him that I wasn't really all that sure I wanted to talk to him in the beginning because he doesn't know me as well as he knows who I wanted to talk about. He told me that I've always had a special place in his heart and that I alway will. D's the only person in the church like setting that I'm comfortable telling things to. He is unbelieveable at giving advice. I wish he would come back and visit. I could use a hug. In the end, I'm so glad I poured out my heart to him. God put him in my life for a reason, and I'm so terribly thankful.

I'm a really centered person on socializing, but I hate people. I decided I literally can trust four friends with my life. Haley, Brooke, Taylor and Melly would all be there for me in one split second. I know I can talk to any of them about anything and everything. They get to hear my spill about fat cows and love and lying and best friends every day and they still put up with me. It's unbelievable. I'd return the favor in a minute. I love all four girls with every fiber in my body. My life would be so ridiculously pointless without them. God knew I needed to be loved and he's sent the greatest people to show me that I deserve someone wonderful and someone who won't treat me like dirt. I really miss my life being so simple. I used to volunteer my life away and spend extra time with Mel and Kimmy, and now it's like school school school more school and then friends. It's exhausting. God's put me on one crazy roller coaster.

And another thing... Haley and Brooke are two of the most amazing humans that I know. They let me rant and are there when I need hugs. They got me two beautiful Valentine's roses today. They both told me that they love me more than they love any boy. That right there.... Is a true friendship. I have the absolute best friends I could ever want. I'm so lucky to be loved by my God. He put such great people in my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Like Bro says,
Peace & blessings (::

Thank God...

Thank God I'm going out with Brooke and Haley this afternoon. Thank God for my second family and my best friend forever. Thank God for Darren and everything he's done for me this weekend. Thank God for Caroline and everything she is to me on Sunday mornings. Thank God for life and living and scabs and healing. Thank God for Ms.Christie and everything she is to me. Thank God for my mommy and daddy and lil sissy. Thank God for my mamaw and papaw and everything they mean to me. Thank God for Tonya being there to always hug me. I'm putting the pain behind me. I'm standing up all alone with a new day ahead of me. I thank God for the life he has given me and the lessons I'm able to learn from all the stupid people around me. I wouldn't change who I am for anything. I don't need to be protected from everything. They say that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I think that would be correct. I mean, I definitely miss my old life, but I'm glad to be back to where it's just me and I can stop worrying about someone else every minute of the day. I'm trying not to be so angry and upset and I have my ups and downs. I just need Jesus and everything is going to be okay (:

Ba ba ba Barbra Annn

Mmmmmm, let's see:

Got my hair cut yesterday. Brooke says it's sexy. Everyone seems to like it. And I'm glad, cause I was tired of looking in the mirror and always thinking of him. Got to school this morning and stopped by and chatted it up with Mrs.Noel and Lorena for a while. I meant to o see Wogatzke, but he was not there. I was upset. I went and got on the bus and talked to Tonya and then went back to the band room to see Miss Taylor Bundy. She makes my life. Hehehe. I'm kind of okay with how my life is going now. Not saying that I don't miss Ward, it's just that now I'm able to focus on school and I finally get to see my best friend and I'm listening to more Christian music than I have in a while. Everyone tells me that I deserve better, but how long will it take to find the better? I have so much built up anger that I think I'm going to start on level 0 soon and start running in the afternoons. I am so pumped for this weekend. I'm going out with Mate and Bro on Sunday. I'm really excited for this. I've missed my friends. I know that they've got my back through everything. Also, I decided that I can only trust like four people other than my family. I know that I have friend issues. I don't like people.

I miss my life, but I'm growing stronger (:

Life throws you curves, but you learn to swerve

Update on my life:

Today was better than yesterday. I'm still not in the mood to talk unless you are : Brooke Hess, Haley Ginther, Taylor Bundy, Taylor Carpenter or Mel. They've helped me through everything over the past 2 weeks. They are my very best friends. There's seriously nothing I could do without them. I know they'll be here when I am crying. They will hold me when I'm upset. They will have my back through the rest of highschool. Honestly, my life wouldn't be the same without them. I used to belong to a world where I didn't have too many friends. This week has shown me that I have more friends and people who care about me more than I could ever imagine. I pour my heart out to Taylor and Taylor on a daily basis. I'd be one of those girls who sits around and cuts herself up without them. Experiencing this roller coaster of emotions is crazy. I never, ever imagined myself having to deal with this kind of like emotional vomit and pain. Ward meant everything to me, but honestly, it's okay that it's over. I don't need a boy to be happy. He's probably better off without the distractions and I wish him the best of luck in the future. I hope he finds that girl that he loves more than life. He's a good guy and deserves someone wonderful. I'm just kind of a lot upset that I've lost my best friend out of this. I'm over emotional about a ton of things and he was always the person I'd rant to, and now my emotions are so haywire and I have no one to talk to. He always knew what to say and how to say it in a way for me to calm down.

This year I've decided to become a participant in the anti-valentines day theme. It's honestly not worth the pain. I don't see why people are always dying to be in relationships. Love doesn't last forever, no matter how much you want it to. High school is just full of drama. More than likely, you won't keep your friends an you'll go out in the world just as alone as you were when you came into it. I hope my group of girls sticks together and we're those parents that have get togethers atleast once a month, no matter if we like each others husbands or not. I'm not always the friendliest person and I apologize for all my negativeness. I get like this occasionally. Just don't stop being my friend because of it. I need all the distractions and girltime I can get. I cannot wait for my license. I have so many things to do. I'll be chilling with Meredith and Maddie whenever I want to. I can go to my mamaw's whenever I feel like it. I can go running and swimming and swinging whenever can. I've been listening to a ton of Christian music lately. Chris Tomlin makes me smile and I love Casting Crowns and Francesca Battistelli. I keep singing GP4U songs from Blaise. I miss my kids and the craziness of summer. I miss my life. I want to go back and change things, but what doesn't kill me, is making me a whole lot stronger.

"Be strong and courageous, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

For my brother...

I've been yelled at because I haven't blogged in a while.


Let's start off with, I have the absolute best group of girls in the whole wide world. Brooke is my brother, my home bro, my piccolo buddy. We're going to do manly things and have bromances and we get our licenses the same day. We both have forgotten how to do a 3 point road turn, and so it seems we must adventure to good ole F building and find TMitch, aahah. Haley makes me smile. We walk to her car to get her clarinet because she forgets it. Hahahah, I LOVE HER! Taylor and Taylor both have gotten me through everything lately. I've like poured my heart out to them. I honestly don't know how I could've functioned without them lately.

So, on to my rant. Do not promise me something and then completely change your mind. Just don't do it. Apparently I take things like way too seriously. I'm so angry at myself. I let a stupid boy come between me and some of the best friends I've ever had. I'm so stupid. They were talking about these ridiculous Valentine's Day flowers over the intercom this morning and I completely blew up. I was talking way louder than I thought I was. Yeah. Way to go me. I had to explain some things to Ms.Shore and she made me repeat "I am Carrie Miller and there is no one else like me" three times before I could leave her room. I continued on the day repeating that to myself. I ate lunch with Wogatzke and he really takes my mind off of things. He isn't a douchebag like Jimeson. I kinda miss my old life, but now I can focus on school and spend time with my friends and live for Jesus and be me. I feel like i'm about to have an emotional breakdown every day. I miss my old life, but God has some crazy plan for me, and dealing with this is just a part of it.

I was supposed to stay home and study last night for my AP world test. I ended up falling asleep during the 3rd quarter of the Super Bowl and spending the night at my mamaw's. I love my family. I really do. I don't know what i'd do without them. My grandparents are my heroes. They're my best friends. I know they'll always be there for me and love me no matter what happens. They're the greatest people I know. They fix me breakfast and let me come over whenever I want. I'd seriously be so lost without them. I love my mamaw and papaw more than the world. ♥

I need you like water like air and like rain.

I haven't blogged in a while because every time I think about it, I want to write about the same thing, but then I would just end up crying, so I've avoided it. I really miss my best friend. I feel so lost now. It's ridiculous.

So, I woke up yesterday morning and I was sixteen years old! Tonya was the first person to text me Happy Birthday and then Joey and then Mel and Kimmy called :D I was off to school. I walk in and Sarah and Lorena are waiting on me with a cake and cookies. Oh my goodness. I go to Mr.Wogatzke's room and Matthew has a doughnut for me. Awh. Then I walk up to the BR cause Taylor insisted that I go see her to get my balloons and tiara. I then proceeded to go see Miss Malgie and Miss Rachel and I got brownies from Malgie. Did I mention my friends are amazing?! So, I continued through the day and Alli had made me a batch of brownies. My lunch was amazing. I sat with my friends and then I went and visited the most wonderful person ever. I got to see Coach Miller on my birthday. I shared my brownies with her and I really miss her. So much. I could've used her so so so much this week. I know she'll be there for me whenever I need her. She's one of my heroes. I continue on the day and I shared all of my food in 4th period and Mr.Wogatzke was like i'll eat all of these for you. Hahaha, I love him. He's another one of my favorite people. I'm glad I've had such wonderful experiences with teachers at Davie. I'd be so lost without them. My friends have made me through this week. It's been the longest week of my life. Taylor Carpenter especially. She's helped me get through the hardest times. I love her for that. She's amazing. Thank you guys for always being there for me. I love you (:

And I'm alive and well, Your spirit is within me, because You died and rose again.

So, two days ago, my heart was completely broken into ten billion pieces. I was hurt and cried and thought that the world had definitely come to an end. He was my best friend. He was my life. But, things happen. And if I had been him, I probably would have done the same thing. There's no possible way for me to be angry at him because I know he just did that because he needs to follow his dreams without having to make time to see me, even though that would have been nice. He's still my very best friend and I know he'll be there for me whenever I need him for the rest of forever. I just wish it didn't have to go away so soon. I've been amazed by how many people have given me hugs and sent texts and called and have been concerned about me. This hit me pretty hard and I didn't want to believe it happened. I couldn't sleep at all on Sunday night and it was pretty terrible. I never knew this is what people went through during a heart break. It's awful. I don't see why people even put themselves through relationships now, knowing that will probably be the outcome. I've decided that I'm not dating any one else the rest of high school, unless Ward decides to change his mind. He'd be the only one I'd consider. But, there's no way I'm dealing with the pain of this stuff anymore through high school. I miss how my life was last semester. I really do. I feel so alone in the world, even though I have all of my friends supporting me. I haven't eaten anything in hardly 4 days. I feel so lost. I just don't know what to do.